Will you be strong?
Strong enough to walk away without regret when our time together is done.
I have often wondered what you would be like.
Would you be tall or short, greater in personality than the fleeting assistance that good looks render in our lives?
Will I recognize you with the age old knowledge that woman carry from the womb to the tomb; the wisdom that decrees we know all before the instant of its happening.
Will your eyes sparkle in the certain understanding that we have met at last.
Will you approach me with confidence unafraid of the persona that I project for my own protection.
Will you laugh in the face of my protests that I can never love again?
Are you strong enough to carry the burdens of my past as well as your own?
Will we laugh together in joint commune at the lives that have bought us to this plateau..this union of souls?
Will we fear for the short space of time allowed us to rejoice in that domain?
Or will we perhaps sabotage our together time in the sure and certain knowledge that too much life has already been lived alone?
Will we destroy the good rather than suffer from its loss at some vaguely future date?
I wonder, will you seek me out, or turn away?
Will I advance toward you slowly, or run?
Do you hear the voices of my long solitude calling out their warning … go now, for it may cause pain to stay.
Can you see to look at me? Beyond and behind the daily masks I wear. Will you gentle me in your arms or take me with the utmost certainty that no other has touched the fires within?
Do I dream in vain for a man who may not exist.
A man who can laugh with utter joy as I live a childhood yet untouched. A man who will join me in my rain dance yet still shelter me from cold.
A man prepared for all the love I have yet to unleash upon his kind. Will you rise to meet it or run from its overwhelming path?
Will I in my reckless search for the other parts of me, destroy your fragile self along that road?
Can I know the ultimate ending and still allow myself to care…once more?
Will I punish you who have not erred against me, because of those that have?
Can I hold you dear and yet not smother?
Can I allow myself to watch the joy grow, in the knowing that it will simmer and die as all things do in their own season.
Do I, can I…will I ever know love again?
Or am I destined to preclude it, and remain alone with pristine thoughts of ‘if only’ dancing in the starlit nights of my own solitude.
Question and more questions and no answers come to mind. Another day, another moment that cannot be lived again. My lifelong rehearsal for a curtain that may never rise. Self loathing and self pity have no place within my safe strong walls; tis but a day of questions…it will be ended soon.
To be dragged again to sunlight whenever I feel the need.
Self awareness and self despair are curious bedfellows, yet I join with them in a slumber that at least has sunrise at its end … for now.